***Disclaimer....some of what I'm about to write might seem unreal to those of you fortunate enough to read this. These words that are about to flow from my head is things that have been in me for years. I'm about to let you deeper into LoKee's World....if you feel you cant handle it, then bow out gracefully, I won't even be mad. I don't know how much I'm about to let out tonight, might be alittle, might be alot***
How can you call yourself a mother? A grandmother? You have two children and only give a shit about one. Two grandkids and don't care about none. Years of going through this shit, you always making a difference between me and my sister has done nothing but destroyed me. I never thought a mother could do the things to her child that you have done to me. Granted Im not going to sit here and say that I have been the perfect poster child for good behavior, I have raised my share of hell. But there is so much that you have done to me in my life that I know damn well I didnt deserve.
I think you have despised me from the moment I was born...because I look like the man YOU choose to lay down with...that shit wasnt my fault, I didnt come to you and tell you to pick him. I didnt ask you to bring me into this world. Your duty as a mother was to nuture and care for me, make sure I stayed on the right path and made something great out of myself. But instead of you doing that, you always degraded me telling me I would never be shit, just like my daddy.
Did you not know how much that hurt to hear my mother, the woman who birthed me, say those harsh words to me, a child no more than 7 or 8??? Did you not know that those words alone was the foundation of destruction for me? Apparently you didnt, you didnt care about how I felt, what happened to me or anything else.
There are so many things that I remembered that you did to me or allowed to be done to be, its one of the reason why I have a few fears now....me the one that has always been fearless...so I thought. Its funny how things you do in your adulthood triggers those fears from your childhood that you thought was long gone and forgotten.
I've been burned, beaten, knocked unconscious, mistreated and abused...but through all of this, I managed to become a strong woman, stubborn as hell but still standing strong no matter what gets thrown my way.
I pray that I be a much better mother and grandmother than you will ever be. I pray that I turn into something far better than what you turned out for me. My kids and grandkids and great grands if I'm blessed enough to be here, will love me, because I will love them, will never make a difference out of either of them. You should slap the shit out of yourself for wishing anything but the best for your kids. That just goes to show you that every woman is not cut out to be a mother....To be continued....
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Him.....Part 2 Continued from Sunday
Do all the things I love to have done to me. He continued to play with my pearl until I couldn't take it no more...had me reaching and grabbing for his head, wanting to push his face deeper inside of me, to ensure he would catch and taste every last drop of my sweet river that was flowing out of me.
I thought to myself, this can't be happening, this man can't possibly have me laying here screaming into a pillow, breathing hard, head spinning, reaching for things that wasn't there, body trembling from him tasting the most intimate part of me, wanting to him to give me more.
Before I knew it, he was over me, looking into my eyes, something I have never let any man before him do. It was like he was looking into my soul, seeing who I really was, seeing any pain that was lurking in the shadows, seeing all the hurt I'd been through...he seen me.
He entered me so smoothly, like a hot knife through butter, made me catch my breath alittle because he had entered territory that hadn't been touched right in a minute. I molded to him as if I was constructed to hold him, and him only.
Our bodies moved in unison, my legs wrapping around his waist, pulling him deeper inside of me, noises escaping from my lips that I hadn't heard in so long, my body responding to him in ways that seemed so foreign to me..."baby, baby, baby", I whispered to him as the waves of orgasms overtook me, "please don't stop, go deeper, deeper, oh yes! yes! yes!".
He knew just what to do to keep the room spinning, took his time, didnt rush, locked my hands in his, kissed me in the sweetest way, his lips soft against mine, pressed his body closer to mine with each burst of passion that flowed between us. This....is the man I have always longed for...one that know what a woman needs without her saying a word to him, one who is confident with himself that he KNOW he will please that woman beyond her wildest dreams.
As the night went on, we made love that second time, intimate, sensual, deep...not sure if he knew it, but it brought tears to my eyes, had never been made love to like that before.He did things that most men won't do because they are afraid it will discredit their manhood...but not Him,he held me to him, rubbed my back, kissed me like I was the only woman on this earth...He has got to be a dream, one that I damn sure don't want to wake up from.
The third time, I think we needed to assure ourselves that we wasn't dreaming, that the sparks that was flying between us was real, that I was real, that he was real...
Tonight wasn't about him, it was about me, about us...it was about satisfying me, making me feel like the woman I had lost so many years ago. Waking up that desire that had burned so brightly in me at one time...he managed to light that flame and stoke the fire so it would burn bright once more...to Him I say thank you...thank you for awaking that desire in me, for letting me feel how a man is suppose to make love to a woman...how he's suppose to treat her...
Damn.....I need more nights like this
I thought to myself, this can't be happening, this man can't possibly have me laying here screaming into a pillow, breathing hard, head spinning, reaching for things that wasn't there, body trembling from him tasting the most intimate part of me, wanting to him to give me more.
Before I knew it, he was over me, looking into my eyes, something I have never let any man before him do. It was like he was looking into my soul, seeing who I really was, seeing any pain that was lurking in the shadows, seeing all the hurt I'd been through...he seen me.
He entered me so smoothly, like a hot knife through butter, made me catch my breath alittle because he had entered territory that hadn't been touched right in a minute. I molded to him as if I was constructed to hold him, and him only.
Our bodies moved in unison, my legs wrapping around his waist, pulling him deeper inside of me, noises escaping from my lips that I hadn't heard in so long, my body responding to him in ways that seemed so foreign to me..."baby, baby, baby", I whispered to him as the waves of orgasms overtook me, "please don't stop, go deeper, deeper, oh yes! yes! yes!".
He knew just what to do to keep the room spinning, took his time, didnt rush, locked my hands in his, kissed me in the sweetest way, his lips soft against mine, pressed his body closer to mine with each burst of passion that flowed between us. This....is the man I have always longed for...one that know what a woman needs without her saying a word to him, one who is confident with himself that he KNOW he will please that woman beyond her wildest dreams.
As the night went on, we made love that second time, intimate, sensual, deep...not sure if he knew it, but it brought tears to my eyes, had never been made love to like that before.He did things that most men won't do because they are afraid it will discredit their manhood...but not Him,he held me to him, rubbed my back, kissed me like I was the only woman on this earth...He has got to be a dream, one that I damn sure don't want to wake up from.
The third time, I think we needed to assure ourselves that we wasn't dreaming, that the sparks that was flying between us was real, that I was real, that he was real...
Tonight wasn't about him, it was about me, about us...it was about satisfying me, making me feel like the woman I had lost so many years ago. Waking up that desire that had burned so brightly in me at one time...he managed to light that flame and stoke the fire so it would burn bright once more...to Him I say thank you...thank you for awaking that desire in me, for letting me feel how a man is suppose to make love to a woman...how he's suppose to treat her...
Damn.....I need more nights like this
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Him....
The very first time I laid eyes on him, I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds...
He had these eyes that looked like pools of melted milk chocolate, this smile that could stop anyone and anything in their tracks, that stocky, but yet strong build of a man that made me want to squeeze and touch him all night long. That complexion that made you want to lick this man til your tongue went raw. He made you want to give it up to him right then and there, but you had to hold your composure since you was in a room full of people...
This is the kind of man that has "The Voice" the one if he whispered sweet nothings in your ear, your panties would be soaked instantly. He got the sexy ass southern drawl to it, nice and mellow when he wants it to be, low and seductive when he's teasing the hell out of you, alittle strong and aggressive when he's hitting those spots.
This man knows what to do when he's in the bedroom...knows how to kiss, where to kiss and when to kiss you just right. He knows what I want the minute we see each other...I want those lips against mine, those hands grabbing my ass and lifting me up to wrap my legs around his waist...him throwing me on the bed, taking off my jeans, moving my panties aside with his teeth and burying his head between my chocolate thighs.
He knows where to go, teasing me with his tongue along the way, making me beg him to go there, but he won't, not until he's ready, not until he has me flowing just the way he likes. His fingers slip inside of me, feeling my pussy tightening, exploring my soft pink folds, before he presses that thick tongue softly against my clit, making me arch up to him, wanting him to play with it, suck on it....TO BE CONTINUED.....
He had these eyes that looked like pools of melted milk chocolate, this smile that could stop anyone and anything in their tracks, that stocky, but yet strong build of a man that made me want to squeeze and touch him all night long. That complexion that made you want to lick this man til your tongue went raw. He made you want to give it up to him right then and there, but you had to hold your composure since you was in a room full of people...
This is the kind of man that has "The Voice" the one if he whispered sweet nothings in your ear, your panties would be soaked instantly. He got the sexy ass southern drawl to it, nice and mellow when he wants it to be, low and seductive when he's teasing the hell out of you, alittle strong and aggressive when he's hitting those spots.
This man knows what to do when he's in the bedroom...knows how to kiss, where to kiss and when to kiss you just right. He knows what I want the minute we see each other...I want those lips against mine, those hands grabbing my ass and lifting me up to wrap my legs around his waist...him throwing me on the bed, taking off my jeans, moving my panties aside with his teeth and burying his head between my chocolate thighs.
He knows where to go, teasing me with his tongue along the way, making me beg him to go there, but he won't, not until he's ready, not until he has me flowing just the way he likes. His fingers slip inside of me, feeling my pussy tightening, exploring my soft pink folds, before he presses that thick tongue softly against my clit, making me arch up to him, wanting him to play with it, suck on it....TO BE CONTINUED.....
Untitled For Now....
I never thought I would fall in love again. But somehow you managed to come in and steal a piece of my heart. The only thing about that is...I'm not sure you know what to do with it.
At times its fragile, and it causes me to show that softer, more feminine side of me...a side that doesn't come out too much because I have been hurt so many times before because of it, a side that alot of people can't handle or take for granted.
Other times its cold as ice, making me have that uncaring attitude, where I could care less about anything and anyone. That "I don't give a shit about you because you don't give a shit about me" attitude.
I'm not that kind of person...never really have been. But through the years I have opened up and let someone into my world and they have came in and crushed it, made me feel so meaningless and very unwanted, not appreciated and definately not loved.
Sometimes I sit back and wonder if its really worth all of this? Is it worth me shedding so many tears? Is it worth me feeling like my heart is breaking in a million pieces? Is this the kind of attention I deserve? Or do I deserve someone that's really going to take my best interest to heart? These are some of the questions I ask myself, sometimes weighing the pros and cons of things. Alot of the times I come up with more pros than cons...other times I just want to say forget it.
The few times that I felt like saying forget it...my heart stepped in and overpowered what my brain was thinking. Sometimes thats when you can tell that what you're feeling for a person is real, that you're not fooling yourself.
But at the same time, what do you do when you feel like that affection is not being returned to you? I think the fear of never being loved the way I not only deserved to be loved, but want to be loved will never happen. That I will continue in this chaotic world searching for that one thing that I feel I am so much deserving of.....pure, unconditional LOVE......
At times its fragile, and it causes me to show that softer, more feminine side of me...a side that doesn't come out too much because I have been hurt so many times before because of it, a side that alot of people can't handle or take for granted.
Other times its cold as ice, making me have that uncaring attitude, where I could care less about anything and anyone. That "I don't give a shit about you because you don't give a shit about me" attitude.
I'm not that kind of person...never really have been. But through the years I have opened up and let someone into my world and they have came in and crushed it, made me feel so meaningless and very unwanted, not appreciated and definately not loved.
Sometimes I sit back and wonder if its really worth all of this? Is it worth me shedding so many tears? Is it worth me feeling like my heart is breaking in a million pieces? Is this the kind of attention I deserve? Or do I deserve someone that's really going to take my best interest to heart? These are some of the questions I ask myself, sometimes weighing the pros and cons of things. Alot of the times I come up with more pros than cons...other times I just want to say forget it.
The few times that I felt like saying forget it...my heart stepped in and overpowered what my brain was thinking. Sometimes thats when you can tell that what you're feeling for a person is real, that you're not fooling yourself.
But at the same time, what do you do when you feel like that affection is not being returned to you? I think the fear of never being loved the way I not only deserved to be loved, but want to be loved will never happen. That I will continue in this chaotic world searching for that one thing that I feel I am so much deserving of.....pure, unconditional LOVE......
Always
I ALWAYS thought I would have this perfect life...perfect job, perfect man, perfect house, perfect kids. But it didn't turn out that way.
I ALWAYS thought that I would be this person that everyone loved, cherished, enjoyed being around, but that didn't work out the way I had planned either.
I ALWAYS thought I knew how to love, how to appreciate that one person who deserved it, show my love and affection to him in ways he only dreamed of..the problem wasn't me though, it was.....him.
I ALWAYS thought that if I was the "good little wife" that he would love me...the way I once loved him...that he would ALWAYS be my shelter in the middle of any storm....but it didn't work out that way.
One day I had to open my eyes and realize one thing....that I can't ALWAYS please someone, that I can't ALWAYS make someone love me the way I love them... that I can't ALWAYS forget about me just to make them feel better about themselves. That I needed to break free from the monotonous path that I had chosen so long ago...
It was time to start trying to ALWAYS think about me first...do a lot of the things that I ALWAYS wanted to do. ALWAYS love me and not expect another to do so. I have given so much of my love...that I NEVER get back as much as I give...I've ALWAYS seemed to attract the nonchalant ones...the ones who want you to ALWAYS break your neck for them, but will not break a nail for you.
This is just a piece of what's going on in my head....not necessarily true, but not necessarily false either....more to come soon...
I ALWAYS thought that I would be this person that everyone loved, cherished, enjoyed being around, but that didn't work out the way I had planned either.
I ALWAYS thought I knew how to love, how to appreciate that one person who deserved it, show my love and affection to him in ways he only dreamed of..the problem wasn't me though, it was.....him.
I ALWAYS thought that if I was the "good little wife" that he would love me...the way I once loved him...that he would ALWAYS be my shelter in the middle of any storm....but it didn't work out that way.
One day I had to open my eyes and realize one thing....that I can't ALWAYS please someone, that I can't ALWAYS make someone love me the way I love them... that I can't ALWAYS forget about me just to make them feel better about themselves. That I needed to break free from the monotonous path that I had chosen so long ago...
It was time to start trying to ALWAYS think about me first...do a lot of the things that I ALWAYS wanted to do. ALWAYS love me and not expect another to do so. I have given so much of my love...that I NEVER get back as much as I give...I've ALWAYS seemed to attract the nonchalant ones...the ones who want you to ALWAYS break your neck for them, but will not break a nail for you.
This is just a piece of what's going on in my head....not necessarily true, but not necessarily false either....more to come soon...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)